Don't walk on the Grass Man

If you want to understand free time in West Virginia, you have to understand the art of lawnmowing. Back in the Netherlands, a "garden" is usually a meager 1800 square feet. You can get by with a manual push mower—it’s silent, cheap, requires zero maintenance, and gives you a bit of exercise.

But here? A typical yard is roughly 18,000 square feet. If you tried to use a Dutch push mower on that, the grass at the starting line would be back to full length by the time you reached the end. I also had to learn the terminology: here, it’s a "yard." A "garden" is where the flowers live—and if you mow those, you’re in big trouble.

Because the combination of Appalachian sun and rain makes the grass grow at warp speed, lawnmowing is big business. You’ll see dozens of eager young men cruising the neighborhood with trailers full of gear—push mowers, massive ride-ons, and an army of weed-whackers. It didn’t take long for me to start calculating: How much is my time worth versus the cost of doing this myself?

Our yard is about a third of an acre (nearly 1200 square meters), spread across three different sections and featuring a rather tricky slope. After paying someone to "tame" it the first time—the previous owner had let it go for months—we decided it was time to go shopping.

Being a bit of a nerd, I naturally started with robot mowers. There are plenty of them, but the logistics were a nightmare. Some require you to bury boundary wires like you’re setting up a security perimeter. Others use GPS and cameras, but almost none of them could handle my steep incline, and none of them could jump between the three separate sections of my yard. I didn’t fancy the idea of manually carrying a "robot" to its next station every hour. That kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

So, I dove into the world of motorized mowers, and let me tell you, that rabbit hole goes deep. You have self-propelled mowers, sit-ons, zero-turns, rear-engine riders, and stand-ons. Then you have to choose your blade size, turning radius, gear type, and whether you want to mulch or bag. Prices range from a few hundred dollars to a staggering $13,000. And apparently, you aren't allowed to operate any of them without a traditional wide-brimmed straw hat.

We were actually driving home from a mower store, feeling pretty depressed about the prices, when we passed "Bob." Bob was on the side of the road selling refurbished sit-on mowers for very reasonable prices. He was a straight shooter and even offered to deliver one within the hour.

Before I knew it, I was "going full American." There I was, perched on my new (to me) rider, knocking out the whole yard in about an hour. It’s surprisingly relaxing, it saves a fortune in the long run, and it makes me feel like I finally belong in the neighborhood.

Now, all that’s left is to fire up the weed-whacker and tackle the edges. Wish me luck— At least I got the "straw hat" style nailed!